Thursday, July 20, 2006


I'm not liking the news these days. Bribery and binge drinking, bulimia and breakfast invasions... too much, too much, too much. But I tweaked the constitution a little- just spruced a few things up, really- and it looks like things are going to work out just fine.

27. is henceforth prohibited from mentioning American Idol (as well as all other reality television slash crap) on their home page.
One sad morning last week, my daily headline scan of turned up no less than THREE American Idol references. With war brewing in the Middle East and Indian trains exploding, I probably could have passed on the breaking news of Katharine McPhee’s victory over bulimia (prompted, of course, by the realization that her little habit might hurt her chances of winning the show). This story was topped only by DJ Boyd’s grand jury indictment on child porn charges, and an assurance that Chris Daughtry is holding up ok after his fourth place finish. (Yes, that really was the front-page big important news. “Daughtry: Fourth place on ‘Idol’ not so bad.” That headline is real, too. Really.) This amendment is absolute. No gossip about Paula’s scandalous lovelife, no speculation on Simon’s next career move, no Kelly, no Clay, no Tyler. Not even an acknowledgment of the next lucky lucky winner. CNN, you used to have that privilege, but you abused it. You’ve demonstrated an inability to handle such freedom. No more.

28. No advertisements in my breakfast.
This month’s haha-that’s-a-good-one-wait-you-were-serious?????-holy-mother-of-fuck winner: CBS scrambled in with your breakfast. It’s nice being part of such a progressive and intelligent society. Especially when the latest research and advancements in laser technology leaves us with…sponsored eggs. The best thing about the egg concept was its intrusiveness. “You can’t avoid it.” –CBS’s president of marketing. I’m only 21. I think I was born after most of the good old days… but oy, do I long for them.
**I’m amending the amendment, because on second thought, I do enjoy the puzzles that decorate my Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. An exemption is hereby granted to those advertisements that include a simple yet entertaining morning game that contributes to the pleasant beginning of my day. And if the prize in the bottom of the box is sponsored by a movie or toy… I’ll let that go, too. But my eggs are sacred. And that’s final.

29. Voting is a privilege. As such, any reward or other type of bribery for voting is hereby prohibited.
Our latest genius politician. As it turns out, it’s not enough that voting lets us participate in a democratic government, perform a civic duty, voice our opinions, and help decide America’s future. Because you know, that’s not really so important or meaningful. But hey- wouldn’t it be cool if voting also entered us to win free stuff? Like lots of money?
Another oy.
Partly I’m shuddering because of the principle thing. You know the argument- our forefathers shed blood for democracy… the foremothers and the suffrage... the people in other countries still dying for the vote… But also, there’s the common sense thing. I’m not so impressed with our country’s recent track record in the voting department, and I’m thinking the last thing we need is more ignorant people putting in their opinion. If the inherent benefits of voting aren’t enough to bring someone to the polls, let’s forget about bribing them to check some box on a glorified lottery ticket and concentrate on keeping them out of the voting booth. My modified proposal: Voting is not a right. Taking the voting test, however, is. Prove your knowledge of the candidates and the government, and then you are welcome to cast your vote. I’m actually serious with this one. Might seem a little preposterous at first, but just think about it for a while. Starts to sound pretty good.

30. No person under the height of four feet, ten inches shall be allowed to carry an umbrella.
This isn’t cruel. It’s practical. Walking down a puddly street clogged with soaking umbrellas is bad enough. We of normal stature should not have to deal with the additional vexation of repeated stabbing from umbrellas traveling below the normal range. This regulation is not unprecedented. Airplanes, which contribute to far fewer pierced torsos on a daily basis, also have a minimum flying height. Additionally, because I do consider dryness a basic human right, ponchos will be sold at a reduced price to those prohibited from umbrella possession. (This is diplomatic as well as economically viable. Outerwear for the short requires less material.)

31. No.
Responsible drinking is too tough a sell. Let’s change gears, and start inventing tools that let people enjoy their inebriated escapades without concern for the repercussions. No, that sounds really smart. I love the concept of easing the … ok, ok, fine. To be honest: I think it’s a great idea. I’m just feeling a little (lot) angry because I thought of it first. The drunk-dial blocker was MY idea, conceived no less than THREE YEARS ago. True story. And here’s how forward thinking I am: I’d barely started drinking at that point, yet I somehow had the foresight to realize that my future self would need some help controlling her drunken idiocy. But if I can’t patent and profit from this idea, nobody else can, either. So there.


posted by Lion @ 7/20/2006 02:51:00 PM |


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