Sunday, July 24, 2005
A NYC Pause
Days go by in a blur! Uptown, downtown, work, meetings, friends, class, new men, fun. Life of the single woman in New York City. But as we've seen by Sober, single can get tricky here. Why is it that when you are happy and glowing you attract so many people? That's what's been happening so far. Whoever said there were no interesting, single, and available men in NYC was totally wrong.But when this happens, and when time goes by in a blur, you can make time for everything but yourself. In consequence, it is time to take a PAUSE. Enough male attention. Enough partying, enough of it all. "STOP and see what you're doing!" "What am I doing?" "What do I want?" "Who is coming into my life?"
These are the questions that I ask myself in my Sunday morning. When I evaluate everything that happened during the week while I miss my Sunday yoga class due to Mr. Preferred Man coming to visit me, as he did last weekend. Some things you can't put on pause. Some things just happen naturally. "Should I let this get serious?" "Should I question him? "STOP, live, enjoy the moment", I tell myself. "Stop all the questions to yourself!", for a while at least.
But it's the EXCITEMENT; it's the excitement of walking in the Village and going to a fancy party, the excitement of meeting an Australian man who wants to wait on me hand and foot, while a Jewish guy wants to join my friends and I for Latin dancing, while an American guy sits in France waiting to come back to NYC to have a chance to have dinner with me, if I accept. This is something a woman with a history of long relationships has no experience with! Especially when her history revolved around possessive Latin men! And then there is Preferred Man N, as interested in me as ever and starting his life here in only a week. Are these guys just gifts for me to see that N is the one? Or are they all here to make me see that no jealous and neglecting Latin guy had the right to make me feel like I don't deserve all this, or that I'm not all that I am?
I suppose we ARE what we accept our lives to be. I choose to believe that all the NYC excitement is part of my new open view of life and of all the possibilities and choices one can make. Friends from the world-over, art classes, yoga classes, museums, music, music, music! Maybe if I just choose what makes me be myself more, and concentrate on that, I can let the "guy" thing sort itself out!
Ok but if there is a party in the East Village, in Soho, in the Upper West, or on the upper East, or a rockin' concert with Cherry and all the NYC talents, I'm there! But this time with a clearer mind; from now on I'm on pause. Let the universe send its blessings without my obsessive mind running crazy around them.
Labels: Boy Stories, Mex
Friday, July 15, 2005
Little Gifts in Riverside Park
The universe gives me little presents. All I have to do is reach out and grab them. Or open my eyes wide enough to see them. They are so frequent. Sometimes a hand-full a day, sometimes only one; sometimes a great big one! That is why all days have something special to them. Each day is so unique.
Last Sunday I was walking in Riverside Park, my favorite New York City meditation spot. I sat down on a hill to have a Hudson River view. It was perfect. An hour of uninterrupted writing looking at the water (third present of the day).
What were the first and second presents?
- Waking up at noon on a Sunday after a night out in NYC with new friends from the other side of the world. Having the company of Sober in the City while having a lazy breakfast.
- Getting to my uptown apartment and getting my Sunday call from Mr. Preferred man or Mr. N as I have also called him. “Hey what are you up to?” says Preferred man. “Well I’m a bit hung over from going out dancing last night but doing well,” I respond. “Did you show off your dance moves to all the guys there?” he asks. “A bit I guess,” I laughed. “I wish I could have been there to see you…” says he. “What are you up to N?”. “Oh I’m walking beside the lake in Chicago.” The day is sunny, people everywhere.” Sounded good to me (present number one or two in his day I think) I ended up sending pictures of my night out to Preferred Man N. He couldn’t wait to get them.
Sometimes I wonder if all N appreciates in me is the physical, but being insistent for a year and talking for hours has to amount to something more. So what if he appreciates my exterior? Good to have an appreciative man! Us girls love it when guys make us feel beautiful. This is what N does for me. We ended up laughing at some joke, him begging me to send him pictures of me, me promising to be nice enough to send them. I sent him pictures with my new Australian friends (thanks to Sober in the City). This is new to me. To be able to send a man pictures of myself with other men, without him getting jealous! The feedback from him? “Great! I loved your pictures!” Now this is my kind of man! I’d sent one of Sober in the City since I have been talking about her enough to him too.
But back to the day at Riverside Park. And to gift number 4:
Writing in my journal, laying on the grass and being still a moment to listen to the amazingly mellow Latin music being strummed by two guys sitting a couple of yards away from me. It was exactly the type of music I love! They must be Latin, I thought. Who else carries maracas and plays bossa-nova in the middle of the day?
Which took me to challenge number 1 of the day: recognizing the gift being flaunted in front of my face and grabbing it before it was too late.
Challenge number 1) Breathe deeply, get over your shyness for ONCE, and walk over there and introduce yourself to these musicians! You want to make new musician friends don’t you? You were dying to live in New York City weren’t you? You want to be a singer here right?
After about 10 nervous minutes I walked over and introduced myself. Turns out one guitar player had been to my home town and was about to embark on a 6-month trip to Mexico, reporting on the Mexican elections down there. His cool girlfriend did an exchange program at my home university and was very interested in learning more about my work. They were not Latin, they just love the music. The other guy had an amazing voice and I will soon go see them play since they have a band and do gigs now and then. They also live 2 blocks away from my apartment and were very interested in hanging out with me. I gave them my e-mail and number and walked away full of music, happiness and peace. All goes to show: here is your NYC gift, now grab it!
Labels: Mex
Friday, July 08, 2005
Fate in the NYC train
The rain comes down in Manhattan. I cannot believe how time goes by in this city. It just disappears in a gust of wind, forcing me to look at the present moment, for it is all I have. Last week, inspired by Sober in the City to go on a friend-making campaign, I decided to invite L and S to see a modern dance show. L and S sat with their mouths open as a couple of women did magical and extraordinarily abstract things on stage; a dark background and dim lighting. This is what I call enjoying this city; actually choosing something exciting and going to it. I would have gone alone even. This is the magic of this city. If you go alone, no one judges you. In fact, I believe that if you don’t judge yourself, then no one will judge you. It is all in our heads. Let’s be free already.My first shows in New York were actually attended alone. But everything is temporary if I believe it to be so. If I believe I will be alone forever, then I will. I choose to believe that time periods alone are meant for learning about my true self, and that friends will emerge that will stay with me for the rest of my life. And a special man is sure to come. Maybe he already has…
That would be my Preffered-man: "N". N and I met as I have mentioned before, almost a year ago. He sat beside me on the ride from New York City to DC, during a week of vacation when I was still living in Mexico and had decided to go look for jobs in the USA. My father and I had cried together just before my trip. We both knew I wanted a big change in my life. We both knew I had gone through a lot. And we both wanted a bigger and better future for me, and he was willing to help me in any way he could. That is the support of a Mexican family. Thankfully I am an independent woman and only needed his moral support.
N asked to sit beside me. Fine with me. Sometimes things or people just arrive in your life, by simply wishing for them. And in this way N arrived. I wasn’t actively looking. He wasn’t my friend’s friend or acquaintance. He was a complete stranger. Yet we were best friends only a half hour after the beginning of our journey. I was a little hung over from the night before. I had seen some old friends in NYC. I was about to miss the train and even wished I did, since I had no desire to go to this nation's capital. Little did I know that the trip would make me see a major change in life.
My friend K back in Mexico told me how she imagined that the angels or spirits or whatever you want to call them up in the universe had probably devised ways for us to bump into each other at that very moment. “Move a little to your right, no, to your left, get on that car, now sit right there…stop! Stay where you are!”. After all, what were the chances of us taking the same train, at the same exact time, towards the same destination, and sitting next to each other!!! Especially since he was only visiting New York as well! What are the chances of ever even speaking to the person who sits beside you on any trip? Slim I say. This is why K insisted that some things just arrive because they must. The less we work at them, the easier they will become. This was a total change for me; after having a history of being a total control-freak. Especially where men were concerned.
I think there was a certain “lighter” aspect to me, like Milan Kundera’s description of lightness, but maybe in a more positive state; certainly a bearable one. I think lightness attracts lightness. Meaning, the less troubled I am, the more similar people will be attracted to me. I had been practicing my new state of being for a few months when N arrived. I was ready for an un-conflicted person in my life. And was I in for a trail of surprises!
Labels: Boy Stories, Mex
Friday, July 01, 2005
Art, Men, and Folklore
This was the week of my first art class in New York City. It was the most liberating feeling. I was ready to absorb all the knowledge being transmitted from my very nice teacher, who has dedicated her entire life to art, and now teaches at my favorite art school of New York City.For the first time in my life I painted from a live model. This of course is very common in beginner’s art classes but is not the norm in Mexico. Good schools do have live models but students tend to get nervous the first time they paint a naked person.
The minute she uncovered herself I thought, how cool, she can just sit there and not care that everyone’s eyes are on her. To our “artist” point of view she was beautiful. And it was great to see that in the world of art, popular culture is absent except for the invisible influence it has had on the artist’s way of thinking.
I started painting the second she pressed her timer for the pose. I held my brush from the end, examining my thin-paint sketch from afar. My eyes never left her for more than a second. This was the only way to learn to observe and portray something as you really see it.
At the same time I thought about my dream having come true: painting inside the building of one of the most reputable art schools in New York City. Ha, ha, ha! Once again, I had done it! What a gift! It is hard for me to see how many New Yorkers and Americans take the richness of this city for granted! Many tourists have only the right to visit this city, but only a few lucky foreigners get to stay. You have to work for it. It has to be your dream.
One hour later I was officially done with my first painting in New York. It transmitted light and shadow well, but it still had a beginner’s background. I must say it was not at all bad for a first attempt and it made the woman look very sophisticated and at ease at the same time. My teacher told me my style was similar to a famous American painter I had never heard of. She said I was quite good. This gave me a feeling of triumph.
The day before, I was waiting for a phone call from my current preferred man. I don’t date a lot, particularly because I don’t know many people in this city. But for a new girl, one or two dates a month is a lot! My preferred man did not call either Saturday or Sunday. I was very angry since he had come visit me from Chicago for a couple of days that week, and I thought I deserved his call that weekend. Furthermore, we met almost a year ago and he has been visiting me ever since. The relationship has developed into something much more than a casual date but less than a formal relationship, particularly due to distance. We have remained in contact since he will move to NYC in August. On Monday I decided to stop worrying about the phone call that never came. After all, a woman should have so much more to think about than an inconsiderate man! I turned off my cell phone during my painting class.
I was done with my painting and I was feeling completely happy and oblivious to anything else happening in the world. These are the real gifts, I thought. When something absorbs you in such a way that nothing else matters. I get that feeling through singing also.
That night I got home and sure enough, the couple of hours I had me to think about, Preferred-man’s call had come. Funny. He’s probably expecting me to call him back tonight, I thought. No such luck for him. His turn to wait.
The day after art class I decided to go to a book reading by a famous Mexican female author. She happened to be in New York and I had been invited by people at the Mexican Consulate, so what the hell. I arrived to the bookstore where the event was taking place not quite knowing what to expect. This was my first time at one of these things. But it was culture, so it couldn’t hurt. Maria Amparo was amazing. The energy she projected and the air around her seemed full of passion, strength and peace. Her book was hilarious since it describes the new Mexican-American folklore happening at the border of our two countries. She covered the culture of Mexican-American truckers through a father and daughter story. In her book, people were speaking Span-glish, words only spoken in border states. She had a glossary for all these new Spang-glish terms.
Maria Amparo Escandon was a blatant example of the woman I want to become. Ready for any challenge, full of life, wisdom, fighting for women’s rights through her art, and not afraid to stand in front of everyone and proclaim it. Above all, her art is alive.
I was thrilled to speak Spanish for a couple of hours that evening with the people the event had attracted; many editors, a Mexican news agency, Consulate staff and Latin people who enjoy to read in Spanish. The best part was when a fellow Mexican came up to the cashier to pay for Maria Amparo’s book and he told us he had been a trucker at the border. He had been too shy to participate in the discussion. It would have added so much to it. After all, the story was about the culture he knew and had lived. But he did not feel at ease there, at a book-reading. He purchased his book and left the store, I imagine breathing a sigh of relief after being in a room where only college-educated Latins were present.
That is the sadness of our situation. We have not been able to come together. Not in Mexico and not here. Not fully. We had invited him to stay and try some of the wine and cheese. He gently declined. He was a recent immigrant to New York. I was very happy that he was interested in reading! Many Mexican people have not had the opportunity to approach the world of books.
On the other side of the room, a first generation Mexican from an immigrant family stood talking with every other college-educated person there. He had earned his B.A. and Master’s degree at prestigious schools in the city. He knew more about Spanish Literature than I could ever know. We talked politics and art; we spoke about life here and back home. My point: the first family immigrant will never be the one who wins. He will go through the hardship, he will secure a place for him and his family, and his children will get the new opportunities. It was a sad notion, but seeing him made for a wonderful evening.
All the while I had forgotten that my preferred man had called me again that day, after I had not returned his call the night before. This was all I needed. Reassurance that the man will be there especially when we take him a little bit for granted. And not taken for granted on purpose, just due to a more interesting life going on than just the expectation of a phone call!
If my Mexican ex-boyfriends had sometimes made me feel like they wore the pants in the relationship and I had to stay quiet, the notion was slowly melting into the New York summer heat. I walked out of the bookstore and strolled home stronger than before.
Labels: Boy Stories, Mex
Monday, June 27, 2005
Island Prison?
Another day in NYC. Yesterday in my lunch break I had a very strange realization. I walked out of the building where I work in Chelsea and realized I was in New York City. Wow, New York City! Weird people everywhere, interesting people everywhere, all types, textures, colors, languages. I saw yellow cabs, 4 or 5 story walk-ups. I’m in New York! I’m no longer struggling to get a visa! No more struggling to find a job! No more waiting, no more anxiety. I’m here, I did it! I walked into the 75 degree weather that reminded me of my hometown. The weather was the same, but that is where the similarity stops!I thought of my friends who have lived all their life in Mexico, in my hometown, a city of high elevation in the center of the country. Most of my friends there have never lived abroad. They will live all their life there. They will never meet people from all corners of the world or feel the thrill of jogging by the Hudson River at sunset. OK so Mexico has some very positive things! Sun, culture, wonderful people! Yes but to my friends…at least to many of them, there is a LIMIT to live by. No curiosity to look beyond the everyday. Too scary to think about speaking in a foreign language.
But isn’t this limit transferred to those living in this great city anyway? Here I come to face a new challenge. To choose who I want to be, out of all the options that this city offers. It is said that true abundance exists from actually choosing something out of the many options available. That is what I face now. And in a way, I feel pressured by the city to taste more of it, to experience, to learn to be a part of it. Be, more than just observe. For starters, I am choosing Painting 101 at a reputable art college starting today, as part of a certificate program for developing artists. More on art to follow.
Last week I had my first official NYC date. I have to say I was very much looking forward to it. I got ready after a long work day. In Mexico I would have gone home or I would have watched a movie with my family. But in NYC, being tired should not matter, and family is out of the question, for it is non-existent. I arrived at the restaurant and he was there waiting for me. A very nice and good-looking man, with a life of pressures when one works off Wall Street. He had hardly any energy left over to dedicate to our rancontre. In another way, he was so mellow I wondered if anything really excited him at all. But the interesting thing was he was a Jewish man interested in a Latin woman. Now that was a first for me.
He talked to me about the pressures of Wall Street as I sipped my mohito at the Cuban restaurant he chose for me. I felt the urge to dance to the Latin beats but found that this would be inappropriate with this particular person. Maybe after I get to know him better, I thought. The evening went on with somewhat bland conversation. We had one thing in common: music. He had played electric and acoustic guitar for many years and often found himself playing alone in his apartment. This sounded a bit like me, since I enjoy singing and somewhat playing mediocre guitar to myself. It is a developing project.
Why are our projects always developing projects? Meeting this person could mean two things; either as a reminder that I could end up singing alone in my apartment for 10 years if I don’t venture out and form a band; or that this man could very well be the first member of my new Jewish-Mexican loungy-acoustic band. The second sounds better, so I may just pursue it.
Is every person we meet meant to change an aspect of our lives? Or does this happen only if we look into the meaning of their fleeting presence? Can a life be left untouched if we ignore the tiny signals that others send to us? What did I learn from this person? That I don’t want to be a developing project! I want to be the project. And I want to CHOOSE my dream in this city of 5 million possibilities. If I don’t, I could very well end up like my friends back in Mexico, different location, same mind, but in a sky-scraper-island prison.
Labels: Mex
Monday, June 20, 2005
Mexican Woman in NYC
A real Mexican.Not mixed, not born just north or just south of the border, nor has been here half of her life. Why should you read this posting today and continue to read next week? If you really want to know how Mexico views NYC; read. If you want to learn about social class differences; read. If you want to learn how to behave when YOU are in Mexico or any other Latin country for that matter; read. If you want to know how a Mexican woman can dream of living in NYC and deal with the ever-sought-after visa 'papers'; read. If you ever thought Catholicism got in the way of your life, but you have a live-in boyfriend or girlfriend; read. If you were ever split in two by the love you have for your nuclear family and a vibrant and exiting life in New York City; read. If you'd like to hear my view on a country spreading out as much as Mexicans are spreading north of the border; read. If you want to know how it feels to get free meals in NYC; read (this is a city with a BIG Mexican population in the restaurant industry).
I'm a Mexican woman in NYC. From a well-educated upper-middle class family. Yes, a middle class exists in Mexico. But wait! My family was not always upper-middle class. My great-grandmother was a fully indigenous single mother of one (my grandma). Great-grandma sold garnachas on a little street-corner of her village in Veracruz. From garnachas to NYC? I wish great-grandma could be here to see this! Why do I mention social class? If you are Latin, you know what I mean. If you aren't, keep reading. Do I care about this differentiation? Yes, I would not like for it to be there. But it is. Is it racism, or polarization? It disappears somewhat in NYC. Suddenly I am part of the Mexican population here. Suddenly I become a Hispanic. I was never a Hispanic before. I was in the majority.
Now I am a Hispanic woman in NYC. I've been here for 3 years on and off. My home is now New York. Social issues, family culture, cross-border relationships, work, art and love, that is what this blog is about. See NYC through my eyes, through a Latin vibe, this is my open invitation!
Labels: Mex