Monday, July 24, 2006

Give Suri a Break

I say that as another highly sought-after public figure. That's right, we journalists inspire just as much attention, gossip and creepy stalker-like activity as the potential children of weirdo scientologist movie stars. Our pursuer, however, is not the middle-aged woman dripping sweat on the latest US Weekly as she pedals towards her pre-childbirth (and fifteen years removed) body on the elliptical, nor is it the adolescent boy dripping saliva and other substances on the latest Maxim as he prays the lock on his bedroom door still works. No, it is the publicist- dripping only with feigned sweetness and enthusiasm- that we in the magazine industry fear.

One called me last week.

"Lion! I LOVED speaking with you yesterday... I must have written your e-mail down wrong, because it wasn't working... did some Googling though... had no idea you went to Northwestern! And a pole vaulter, huh? Now that takes guts!"

Oy. What to say, what to say... how does one properly respond? "Googled you too, tiger. A little unimpressed with your education, to be frank, but can't believe how well you did in the Turkey Trot 5K of '04." Umm.

"So Li- it's ok I just call you Li, right? Anyways Li, I'll be in the Twin Cities later this year, and I'm sure you have some great tips on restaurants, eh?"

Ok, stop. First of all, you just employed the absolute WORST getting-to-know-a-Minnesotan technique. Nothing humorous about the accent. Don't ever touch it. Second, just because stalking is so convenient and easy these days doesn't mean it's socially acceptable. Googling someone is creepy! Of course I do it too, but I don't actually mention your prowess in college quiz bowl or participation in the 2003 Raspberry Festival Parade. I keep it to myself! Clearly! Third, you aren't my pal. Concerning restaurants and otherwise, I have no tips for you. Googling does not a girlfriend make. And finally, no you absolutely may not call me Li! In fact, I don't even think we're on a Lion basis right now. After that one, I'm bumping you back to Miss Tamer.

An e-mail later.

"Hey there Li... forgot to mention earlier, from my research on you, I see we have the same political beliefs. Yahoo!"

Directly quoted.

One. MISS TAMER. Two. Political beliefs?? I don't even have any political beliefs! Apathetic, I am. (Well, not really. But I am certainly not one to display them online for publicists and other sickos.) If you're going to Google, get the right Lion. The only think worse than being stalked is being stalked poorly. Three. If I did have political beliefs, and if you did share them, I wouldn't care! Promise!

Fucking lunatic.


posted by Lion @ 7/24/2006 10:05:00 AM |


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