Tuesday, March 14, 2006

No boo

Happy Pi Day, everybody...

Had coffee with a longtime pal, Hotpink, last night. We whinged and complained to each other for a few hours. It was oddly comforting. Hotpink's life is a hell of a lot tougher than mine, in terms of finances and family, but she's always there with a kind word when I need it.

Towards the end of the conversation, I remarked, "I don't have a crush on anybody right now. It feels weird." Hotpink agreed that having a good crush is key to getting through the day. He doesn't have to actually like me back, or even know me very well - in fact, it's often the mystery, the not knowing that makes it fun - he just has to pass my desk, or cross my mind, a few times to make the whole day better.

I haven't had a really quality relationship with a guy in well over a year (notice I didn't say that I haven't had a boyfriend). It hasn't really started to bother me yet, mostly because there has always been someone around who was worth a daydream or two. The beginning, the possibility of new romance is the best kind of adrenaline kick. One of the things I like best about starting a new project is the chance to meet new people, and maybe even a new guy who makes me look forward to going into work. My last crush, Irish, I'd actually known for quite some time; but I didn't start crushing on him until our current project, when I got to see him doing some great work, and spent more time with him socially. This sweet, adorable, funny, dorky (I'm a sucker for dorky) person had been floating around the periphery of my life for a couple of years, and I hadn't known. It was a great discovery.

The thing was, it was great to fantasize about Irish, and flirt with him and never ever make a move; but as time went on, I realized I liked him enough to want to go beyond that... and that's when things went south. I had been dating another guy who was not working out particularly well, so of course Irish looked even better by comparison. By the time I got up the gumption to do something, I was really hooked.

I'm not a direct person when it comes to romancing someone - I like teasing and hinting and flirting. Up to a point. That's also, unfortunately, the point where I lose my nerve.

On the last day of our project, I wrote everyone a thank-you card. In Irish's card, I wrote stuff about how much I thought of him and how glad I had been to get to know him. I then wrote, "I really really like you, Irish, and hope that we'll continue to spend time together." I thought that made things clear.

Later, we were sitting around drinking champagne, and suddenly Irish said (in response to some else's jest, that I don't remember now), "... just like Blackie. Everything she does is flirtatious!"

No one has ever accused me of such a thing before. I don't even know if it was an accusation. Or a flirtation. Or what? Obviously, I had been flirting with him, but only with him. I couldn't tell if he was just teasing... or maybe pissed at what I wrote in the card... or, oh no, embarrassed, and trying to laugh it off/tell me he wasn't interested. I tried, jokingly, to press him for an explanation, but he wouldn't say anything more. My crush, my fun enigma, had suddenly become a problem.

And I never solved it. I almost never ask guys out - I managed it with my junior prom date, but nearly burst into flame with the effort of overcoming my shyness. Irish has never asked me, nor has he acknowledge the card I wrote. We went out as part of a group the other night and he placed his roommate, Octopus, between me and him at dinner - Octopus, who never fails to leer and touch inappropriately, not only me but any other single woman in range. Makes a girl feel real special. When we said good night, Irish hugged and kissed me on the mouth like he always does, and we stood smiling at each other while he said we should get the gang together again sometime. As I murmured agreement, I realized I had solved it - and the thing that should never happen with a crush had happened. I knew how he felt about me.

And what he felt was nothing.

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posted by Addy @ 3/14/2006 12:49:00 PM |

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