Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Seen in a Manhattan Starbucks:

Somewhere west of Union Square, outside a public (Starbucks) restroom, a line begins to form. As is so common among the full-bladdered, the queuers are irritable and impatient. Breaking from accepted New York code, the strangers converse (a little too loudly) amongst themselves. This split from convention is partly because they are close to Union Square and half the people in line are tourists, and partly because even Real New Yorkers get a little antsy when they have to pee.

And the new friends wait.

With the camaraderie that comes only from the shared agony of a common crisis, they muse about what's going on behind the bathroom door. They talk about backing future legislation that will establish toilets on every corner. They cross their legs. One attempts to transform the mocking red 'occupied' sign above the knob into a green 'vacant' sign using the power behind her eyes. Another fantasizes about poking the constipated bastard in the eye once he emerges. At this, the heretofore silent member of the line finally speaks. (Beautiful and urbane, this mysterious queuer had been gripped in a battle between her two most primal urges: acting like a Real New Yorker and making a Clever Comment. At the aforementioned provocation, the latter claims triumph. This time.)

"If a paraplegic with one eye and eight fingers rolls out of that bathroom, you're going to feel pretty shitty."

The line falls silent, struck by the wisdom and truth behind the Enigmatic Stranger's Clever Comment. Considering their options, the group decides on a Soft Knock. No response. Good at it by now, they continue to wait. Another Soft(ish) Knock. And finally- 12 minutes (have they really only known each other for 12 minutes?) since the line began to form- a paper towel slides out under the door. Clever Real New Yorker (despite her youth and diminuitive side, the others sense her innate acumen and have wordlessly appointed her as their leader) delicately picks it up, and reads aloud:

'Washing My Feet.'

Like Stacey McGill's dad would say... OINY. The group scatters, each in a different direction, each in the direction of another Starbucks. The Bewitching Guru of Bathroom-Line Etiquette, if you are interested, finds her way to Wendy's (continuing her practice of deviating from the norm) and soon feels a lot better. And that's exactly how it happened.

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posted by Lion @ 9/05/2006 10:50:00 AM |

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