Thursday, August 17, 2006

Here is where I write with wisdom


So this story is getting old for me… trying to move from ‘it’s happening’ to ‘this happened,’ you know? But for the sake of updating, here’s where things are now: I went before the grand jury for the indictment hearing last Wednesday, and it wasn’t so bad. The assistant district attorney was really nice, and seemed to love the case… little Midwestern intern with big blue eyes comes to New York for the summer and gets attacked outside her Upper East Side building. Almost as cliché as I was two years ago- the sad little Big Ten cheerleader addicted to pills and alcohol, on top of the pyramid with her hair in a bow. Lifetime Movie Network, here I come.

I finally found out what happened to the other girl. She is fine, and he didn’t do anything worse to her, but he did pull a knife. That is apparently only a misdemeanor because he didn’t bring her anywhere, but the D.A. is trying the cases together to make a stronger case. He got charged with a few things including burglary (a felony) in my case, which just means entering a private dwelling place with the intent to commit a crime. (Don’t feel stupid, I didn’t know that either.) Opinions are split on whether he wanted to rob or rape, but we’re pretty confident he was planning to do something illegal. I didn’t get the feeling he wanted finger cakes and tea.

The jury did indict, so the next thing is whether it goes to trial or he pleads out. A trial wouldn’t be so much fun, but on the bright side, they’d fly me back and forth from school to New York for it. But I don’t need to worry about that until it happens.

The guy got out on bail last week, which is scary. But, the detective said there’s only a .1% chance he’ll come after me again. (He actually said that 99.9% of the time the bad guys stay away. I just heard it a little differently.) But I’m shaking less, and looking over my shoulder less. I’m still sitting in corners and I still keep thinking about my neck, but it’s getting better. It keeps getting better.

I have a new philosophy, and it came from the pouring rain last week.

Something I really love is control. I always want more. And after what happened- an overwhelming loss of control- the craving is even worse. When I’m not in control- when I can’t take action to affect an outcome- I worry. I play it over and over in my head, as if through my psychic powers I’ll be able to coax the forces of the universe towards the resolution I desire. Logic tells me this is futile, but I continue to try.

So I’m sitting on the bus last week, trying to read but distracted by my anxiety over the next day’s indictment hearing. (I won’t be in attendance and play no direct role in the outcome, so I am extremely busy ensuring his indictment through my worry.) I look outside for a moment, and see that the drizzle I walked through has turned into a full-blown downpour. I’m disturbed, suddenly, by the total lack of power I (or anyone else) have in relation to the weather. With our BlackBerries and Palm Pilots and stem cells, we’ve taken charge over almost everything. Yet, we still find ourselves entirely susceptible to the wind and rain and snow. It falls and blows however it pleases, and the best we can do is react.

As I ponder this further, though, it starts to seem more comforting than scary. With the weather, I have no responsibility. I’m not in charge of stopping it. I don’t bother trying to wish it away, because I understand the total futility of that endeavor. The rain comes down, so I open my umbrella. There seems to be some relief in releasing power- a feeling that someone else is taking care. And then I think, maybe I try out this technique on other things. The indictment, perhaps. I know by logic that I can’t control it. So maybe I remove the burden from myself. Maybe I let go. Maybe the indictment just falls like rain. And if it comes down too hard, I know there are people who love me. They’ll be my umbrella. And one way or another, I’ll be taken care of.

Aaaaand enough of that. Like I said, I’m moving to ‘it happened.’ More exciting things to tell next time. Including the editor I thought I might like to fuck.


posted by Lion @ 8/17/2006 01:18:00 PM |


<< Home