Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Losing my religion

I apologize for being so quiet lately. Life takes on the beat of the drum and before you know it, you are swept away like a feather in the wind. Today was different, however, in that I felt the shell that I had encased myself in long ago begin to collapse. It started innocently enough. I had a project that I was working on. It is not for profit, in the monetary sense (right now) but the profits that I have gained thus far are immeasurable. With every golden opportunity comes a flurry of activity. Creation attracts positivist that brings life and vigor and passion as equally as it attracts negativity. Today, I choose a lense of positivity. I lost my religion of negativity and am slowly changing the tape to a positive one.

I had been working on material that would unite my audiences. This was quite an undertaking. I tried to set up the audience as a sweat lodge. I can almost hear someone chastising, “would you lay off the sweat lodge already?” In this fictitious argument, I would say, “How else may I serve you?” Who IS this person? And what did they do with my RUMI?

This is where the path of enlightenment becomes challenging. When doors begin to open, where there were only brick walls, light floods in, as do parasites. Meaning, I had a fight with someone who I opened my heart to. I worked to co-collaborate on a project that was incredibly important to me. This idea came to me in October of last year. I wanted it to change the world. This is where it gets interesting…I had a novice ask me for help in getting started in the comedy business. He was so negative and toxic, I thought this might be a way to help him find something that he loved enough to open up his heart a bit. This is a heart project, and I opened the floodgates to those who were hungry with heart. In a nutshell, the scorpion does what it knows best, it stings. It is in their nature. (scoff) I remember telling a very famous comedian once that I was in the market to make dreams happen. He said, “Don’t quit your day job.” I thought it was just a cliché. I realized that I choose to cast pearls before swine.

Why? Why would someone that before sweat lodge I would have seen as a psychic vampire, who was ugly (inside and out), slothful, and a spiritual rapist…do that? It hurt so much, because had it not been for me, my subject, my storyline, my title…well. I didn’t have the energy to analyze it anymore. “When the student is ready, the Master will appear” the Buddhist quote that had rung in my head for three months. I was working so hard at finding my voice, and making a difference and showing love and service to my fellows, that I forgot to be. All the while, getting caught up in the illusion of time. This had to happen now. I had to hurry. Like the bunny in ALICE IN WONDERLAND, I hurriedly rushed from place to place looking to find an answer.

I got a nasty phone call from the person that I had been working on this project with. I heard nasty rumors that this person had spread. There I was, knee deep in telephone calls at the most important and pivotal point in my life. It was time to breathe. More importantly, though, it was time to be real. Yes, mediocrity always attacks excellence…but what could I learn from this experience? How could I transmute that pain?

I reached out; something that has been like kryptonite to me. I showed my heart to the people who had been there all along. The beautiful girlfriends, who listened, nurtured and encouraged. No matter how many maybe’s and failed attempts to make something happen, these women picked me up. My expectations plummeted, yet, I received incredible love. That love helped me to be a little more honest in my life. I had a show that was chock full of professionals. I stood before the crowd, resigned to let my palms drip into a pond. I let go, got on stage, and finally, LET GOD. This was a different type of God, though, the one I had always been looking for. I stood on stage, and love fed me to the point where I could say,

‘I was raised Catholic. I gave it up for lent one year though. I don’t believe in organized religion. Comedy and what we have here right now, THAT is my religion. The ability to laugh and unite, despite color divisions…that’s religion!”

It may not have been the funniest line I ever said, but it was the most loving and honest one.

Every whisper Of every waking hour I'm Choosing my confessions Trying to keep an eye on you Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool Oh no, I've said too much I set it up Consider this Consider this The hint of the century Consider this The slip that brought me To my knees failed What if all these fantasies Come flailing around Now I've said too much I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try THANKS TO THE WOMEN IN MY TRIBE, WHO PROVIDE SHELTER AND LOVE IN TIMES OF RAIN.

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posted by Rumi @ 4/11/2007 04:14:00 AM |


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